10 Things about meetings that really piss me off

Below is a quick list of ten things that really need to be solved if we have to evolve as a human race.

Meetings are a waste of time. If we spent all this time in executing, we would be much happier.

I, for the benefit of progressive people, have given my solutions to these 10 things.

So here goes

1. Meetings are too long – Really really important meetings, usually discuss the real, burning, oh-my-bladder-is-about-to-burst issues in the first 30 mins. But then, just when everyone thinks that the ordeal is over, some mid to senior executive will raise an issue simply to earn cute little brownie points. After that, it’s all downhill. And for some reason he never notices how everyone is squirming in their seats, have tears in their eyes, sweating in areas best not mentioned, twitching muscles – basically all symptoms for most physicians to rush you to a hospital. But what do the big boys do? They just keep yapping.

Solution – All meetings should not go beyond 15 minutes. After that everyone should stand and keep the meeting going. After 1 hour of this, the door should be locked to make sure that no one can go and take a pee. After 2 hours, still standing and holding pee, people should plant a tree for every minute of extension. And finally, if someone is still ready for more, then they should be allowed to take a pee, sit down, given a cup of coffee and their reporting boss should be made to stand and endure all of this on behalf of his subordinate.

2. There is nothing called an Annual Strategy/Goal/Feedback/Development/’Insert favourite corporate buzzword’ Meeting – If you still don’t believe me, explain the difference to me. Not the theoretical difference. I own a dictionary too. I mean the actual practical difference. There is really none. It’s all bullshit perpetrated by bosses to make their companies seem more democratic.  Let’s be clear, you can’t do any of the above in one marathon meeting of 12 hours. Usually the meeting is lots of people agreeing to what their bosses are saying, which they usually pick up from someone else, which anyway will never get implemented on ground.

Solution – Lets call these meetings what they actually are. Annual Corporate Kiss-Ass-Fairs. With Coffee and Cookies

3. People walking in with Laptops and Tablets – Believe me, they arn’t writing down the minutes of the meeting, nor are they researching on their competitors. They are playing angry birds and/or checking for movie tickets.

Solutions – Only a pen and 3 sheets of paper allowed per person. After all, it’s going to be a short meeting.

4. Meetings without coffee – That’s like walking into a fire fight with no bullets. Everyone will get massacred. And nothing will get done.

Solutions – Keep Coffee. Preferably blue mountain. Or at least high arabica content coffee. Filter coffee is a worthy substitute.

5. Meetings where people just start thinking up of ideas – The No.1 reason why meetings are useless. If people can’t think up of ideas before they come for a meeting, then fire them. Thinking is the easiest thing ever asked for.

Solution – People who don’t have ideas ready in the first five minutes of a meeting will have to contribute food for the potluck in the evening/lunch/breakfast. Why? Cause thanks to them the meeting will run real long.

6. People taking calls, pretending they are all customers – Should just stop! Like seriously.

Solution – Whoever takes calls during a meeting, should do so only on loud speaker. After all, it’s only a customer.

7. 120 slide presentations – They arn’t made to discuss a point, they are made because the presenter feels that by putting in more slides, data, graphs etc it will be construed as real work. Unfortunately this has become the gold standard for work.

Solution – No department is allowed more than 15 slides to present something. Handouts are welcome for participants. Presentations with more than 15 slides will require Board of Director Approval. They should know how their best paid executives are wasting precious time and resources.

8. Overuse of Jargon – Primarily used to let others know that you are smart. And to also hide the details. And the fact that you are a fool. Jargons should be punishable with demotion. They make everything complicated and ensure that the top bosses take the wrong decision simply because it hurts them to ask you what the jargon means.

Solution – The meeting room should chant ‘Shame Shame Poppy Shame’ every time anyone utters a jargon.

9. Back to back meetings – Professional fighters get breaks between bouts. Then why not corporate warriors? Actually they should not. Meetings arn’t that hard. But you can’t expect people to get into multiple 3 hour meetings and still give their 100%. Multiple 30 minute meetings are still cool. But still give them breaks.

Solution – Make sure you carry a big placard which states the number of meetings you have done before entering the present one. It might get you some sympathy. And some food.

10. Bosses who start serenading about their Glorious Past – The Ultimate torture. You would have heard the story a million times, only this time it’s even more exaggerated. And you can’t ask him to shut up or come to the point.

Solution – The junior most executive in the meeting should be designated to get up and say “Alexander the great had conquered half of the world by the time he was 21. By that standard, you are a looser.” And should then sit down.

What can Entrepreneurs learn from this? The temptation to have long winding meetings exists deep within us. It’s our primordial need to stay and feel in control. So when you do have your company, make sure you don’t do this, lest the caricature above turn into reality.